A Sordid Affair
by Sanis
Summary: Now, it wasn't as bad as it seemed...it was worse. Wherein Walter and Alucard play a little trick on Sir Integra. Implied IxA. Innuendo intended, but executed? That's up for debate.


_**A Sordid Affair**_

**Disclaimer- Not mine. I 'm not making money (I'm filthy rich, I'm also a liar.) Go sue somebody who cares.**

**AN- Does this even make sense? It's 3:15am here. I can't function properly right now. Oh well, if it sucks, flame me.**

To say that this was unusual would be a vast understatement. The situation that presented itself was one that had not been expected.

"What do you suppose it is, Walter?" asked one Sir Integra to her faithful manservant. "I mean I know what it is…but what kind?"

He raised one eyebrow and looked at the offending object with a mad glint of understanding in his eyes.

"I don't have the foggiest," he replied in a voice that was much to knowing.

Integra must have thought this too, because her eyes drew themselves into their typical "you are merely another plebe to be disposed of for my enjoyment by means of a rather painful method," slants.

"Well, I'm most certain this was not on the list of supplies I asked you to order," she said picking up an envelope opener from her desk and poked at the offending object on her desk.

Walter glanced at her from beneath his monocle.

"I assure you that I am not the source for this…thing's, presence here," he assured her looking slightly disgusted.

"Hm," she said, squatting to put her eyes level with the mysterious topic of discussion. "It certainly is…interesting."

They remained that way for a moment.

"….Why do you think it looks so unhappy?"

"Sir Integra?" he questioned. "I do not believe that it really has facial expression."

She looked up at him from where she stay squat on the floor.

"Don't be ridiculous. Of course it doesn't." she exasperated. "I can just tell, it's comes with being a woman, maternal instinct and all that."

He wisely remained silent.

"Well, since we don't know what it is we probably shouldn't keep it," she said with almost a disappointed air.

Walter gracefully raised his left eyebrow in a manner most British.

"You were actually thinking of sheltering this ridiculous waste of space?" he asked, trying to subtly get his point across. "Do you know what it would do to the house?"

She nodded.

"I suppose it is asking quite a bit from you Walter," she admitted. "I simply don't have time for one. When would I ever get enough time to relax and play with it? No, it would never get any exercise; it would sit around the house all day and be a distraction from my real endeavors."

Walter almost immediately felt guilty. Who was he to deny his master a bit of pleasure? She really did not request much. Beside this could be a good substitute for companionship. Especially, he thought gleefully, in the place of the only role that might encourage Integra to take a husband.

"I want to stroke it and play with it and I even," and she took a deep breath "sort of want it in my bed to keep me company," she said as if she really wasn't talking to him. "I want it to feel good about being here…although I better not. I wouldn't want to get attached. What and with us casting it out and all."

He mentally closed his eyes and smacked his head at what he was about to do. When did he become such a softie?

"I apologize, Sir Integra," he began slowly. "I do wish for you to have something of this nature. It would bring me pleasure to know that you have this in your life…really I'm very surprised this hasn't been an experiment of yours before now."

Integra smiled a little to herself.

"I appreciate the gesture, but that's hardly fair to you," she told him. "You would have to take care of it for me the majority of the time."

Walter did a small bow, just for the drama.

"It would make me incredibly honored to be the sole caretaker of something so dear to you."

"Walter," she said dryly. "You take care of _everything_ for me."

"And I'm incredibly honored."

There was a pause, then…

"You want to play with it too, don't you." Integra asked mischievously. "That's alright, I understand. We can do it together, doesn't that sound just grand? We'll be perfect as a combination."

Walter looked uneasy.

"I don't know," he said. "I'm not as young as I used to be, I don't know if I could keep up."

Integra snorted and looked at him with disbelief.

"Remember when I was just a girl? You could always keep up then, hell you were usually the instigator!" she told him, trying to sooth his ego. "That wasn't very long ago, and I'm sure this wouldn't be more work that a ten year old with sugar twitches

"Ah, I suppose I am rather resilient to old age," he said smiling, but he quickly sobered. "Although, I have one condition."

"What?" she asked eagerly, knowing she was about to get what she wanted.

"We have to use a leash. We're not going to be one of those common idiots who just run loose with no idea what they're doing, we are going to make sure that we have the appearance of well rounded, knowing individuals."

"Is that really that important?" she asked. "Besides, whose going be watching us here?"

Walter looked at her like she was small, something he didn't do very often.

"Honestly Integra, one must not be sloppy in these things. I require order to do this, in my age I have grown accustom to certain requirements and that is one of them. You don't want the beast to lose control and get free of me? You need a way to stay in control." He told her, hoping she didn't ask where he got hid previous "experience," he had a feeling Alucard wouldn't appreciate him divulging that little piece of information just yet. "Anyway, people here are always watching, it's like a sport for the help. They're a rowdy bunch, this lot. No sense of personal space."

Integra looked at him and grinned.

"This means we get to keep it," she told him. "I'm so excited. I've wanted this for such a long time."

"I've wondered if you have," he told her. "I just hope it doesn't make us sick."

"What should we name it?" she asked.

He bent down to touch it. It felt silky under his fingers.

"Mmm, I don't know," he said examining it. "Please, you must do the honor of giving it a title."

"I was hoping you'd say that," she said, barely keeping the excitement in her voice at bay. "I want to name it Disaster."

Walter raised an eyebrow.

"….really." There was a pause. "Why?"

She smiled.

"Think of the great exiting lines, Walter. 'I'm going to play with Disaster.' 'I want to walk with Disaster. 'I miss Disaster.' 'Disaster was in my bed last night.'" She grinned even wider. "Unless you can think of anything better?"

"….not that I believe is of a nature suitable to let modest members of society hear."

"Hmm," she acknowledged. "We must keep a line somewhere."

Walter watched her pick up her new plaything and turn to him.

"I don't suppose if I kept it with me this evening?"

"Not at all," he replied, happy with her rare show of eagerness. "Although I believe 'it' to be a 'he.'"

Integra laughed. "It would figure the first male I have in my bed is a dog!"

Walter watched as her retreating back left her office. He shook his head. A dog indeed, she had no idea.

From the shadows he heard a slight chuckle. Integra had gone.

"She's going to be very upset when she finds out about this," he told….no one, or so it seemed. "We both might get shot; you at least have the benefit of immortality."

There was silence.

"Well," he said under his breath. "My good deed is done. Integra gets the companion she wants, and Alucard gets into her bed……this can't have any drawbacks….."

Little did he know….


End file.
